Emotional roller coaster

It was a roller coaster ride of a morning on the mat today. I’m usually fairly focused and not thinking enough to have an emotional response to my practice but today was a new animal. I had periods of my usual calm, then feelings of total despair – as in “I may never get this” and “I could work on this for years and years and still not be able to do it” and “I’ll never be good enough to move on to intermediate.” Wow. Definitely not self-talk that supports my plan to be my own biggest cheerleader. I fought it off, but it came and went through the parts of primary I struggle with. My knees were feeling not quite painful, but tender today, which was a big part of the problem. I was frustrated with still not being able to take half lotus with ease. I thought about the possibility that I may never be able to do garbha pindasana without modification, and was totally depressed about it. I felt like all the work I’ve been putting into my hips has done nothing. I also got angry at my thunder thighs and generally non-typical yoga body. How much easier would it be to do everything if only there was less meat on my bones? While supta kurmasana was actually pretty great today, I still thought about how effortless my bind would be with less to bind around. Total negative mind-set. I fell trying to stand from my first drop back, but the good thing is that I’m not fazed by the falls anymore and I got right back at it. My next three were almost perfect and I got some recognition from my teacher for it. I took a nice long, soothing savasana today and I felt great after.

I’m fluxuating between totally content with the poses I’ve got, which gives me lots to improve upon, and the desire to move on. I know I shouldn’t be striving to get more poses and start the next series, but there are days that’s how I think. Sometimes the eyes drift to other mats and it’s hard not to compare my practice to others. Today was of course one of those. I guess the word is out, I’m not perfect.

I’m going to give myself credit for sticking with my practice today despite the chatter in my mind. Not everyday can be perfect calm non-attachment. There’s always tomorrow…

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