Patience

It has been a patience testing week and I have to remind myself that all is not lost if I have to modify for a couple of weeks. My knees, especially the right one, have been hurting this week and it has meant no lotus. It makes me feel like I’m taking steps backwards and I’ll never get my next pose. What is the rush, I should be asking myself? This is a lifelong practice, I have years to work on primary series. Ego is a tough thing to get past. I could try to justify my desire for poses some other way, but if I’m being honest with myself (and it does hurt to admit) it’s just ego. It can be so tough not to compare myself to others, and while I have gotten much better as my practice becomes more focused over time, I am not 100% with my drishti all the time. I have moments of real discouragement and this week has been full of them. I sometimes think I will never have a comfortable lotus, that my leg will never get higher in UHP, that my feet will never cross behind my head in supta k, that parivrita parsvakonasana and virabhadrasana 1 will always be struggles, I may never have a graceful jump back from Bhujapidasana, ETC ETC ETC. This is not helpful self talk. It’s tough to hold on to the fact that I have made progress. Lots of it, in fact. Plus there’s the drop backs. I love them. They’re equal parts frightening and exhilarating. I think I’m doing well and improving every day. Actually, it’s keeping me from asana despair. I may have a million aches and pains – my back is achy, shoulder, neck, and knee pain – but I’m still enjoying practice more than I’m not enjoying it.

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