The point

I suppose my plan is to document my practice. I have been thinking for awhile about how it might be helpful to be able to look back and see that I have actually made progress in my asana practice, and hopefully in other areas of my yogic journey, such as it is. Sometimes you are just so in it that you can’t see beyond that day on the mat and it can be difficult to give yourself credit for the hard work that has led to that point. The intensity of the daily ashtanga practice forces you to come face to face with some elements of your personality that may be less than desirable. My lack of self-confidence has become glaring, as I consistently feel unworthy to go to mysore practice. As if I am not “advanced” enough, and someone is going to either laugh at me, or tell me I don’t belong there. Silly? Yes, but there’s no arguing with feelings. Last weekend I was in Toronto practicing at AYCT, (which was amazing), and I went to an inversions workshop on Sunday afternoon. I was anxious before going, thinking that I would be the only one there who didn’t have a perfectly steady headstand. I was a bit proud of myself for sucking it up, and it ended up being a fun and helpful couple of hours. I have often been someone who avoided anxiety inducing situations, and who would give up rather than risk failure. Since starting my ashtanga practice, I feel like I am making some progress with these issues. I can’t do everything, and even the poses I can do are far from picture perfect, but I still show up and try. 

So, it’s Sunday and I’m at work all day so no practice for me. I did a home practice yesterday to make up for it, which was a bit awful thanks to the cold room and distractions. Practicing at home is definitely not my favorite. On a happy note, I got poses on Friday which will make next week that much more exciting! I’m struggling with my tight hips, as I have been for the last six months. My lotus is on again/ off again due to occasional knee pain. I’m trying not to get frustrated with my body, reminding myself that there’s no real “end” to reach here, and no rush to get through primary. Quiet down, ego. I’m now at baddha konasana and I have enough challenges with my current asana repertoire. I feel pretty great about my ugly, but bindable Marichy D and I can get in and out of bhujapidasana without any head smacking, and the jump back is coming along. Basically, I’m not going to have my own calendar any time soon but I’m getting through it. Plus, drop backs! So fun. I feel like I’m going to be able to do it on my own soon. It’s only been two weeks or so since they got added but they’re not nearly as impossibly scary as I was anticipating.

Looking forward to being back at the studio tomorrow, with some nervous anticipation of what my body will be willing to do. Yoga, I love you.  


1 Comment

  1. Po said,

    January 4, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Hello my dear yogini friend. I have just been to my first Mysore morning practice a few weeks ago after actually been practising led and home practices for over 10 years. I consider myself usually a confident person (happy to speak in front of an audience of hundreds for my work life) but I really identified with you when you said that sometimes you can feel ‘unworthy’ of practicising with others who are lot more advanced in their journeys. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I just discovered your blog and have been savouring all the posts that you have been sharing. Being extremely tight on the shoulders and hips, and that I have been lazy (used to practise about 5x / week now down to once/twice), I am looking for ways to get back into the swing! Happy new year!

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